Google MentalPlex™ Frequently Asked Questions

MentalPlex Answers

1. What is MentalPlex search?

Unlike regular search engines that require you to type a query to conduct a search, MentalPlex search anticipates your request by evaluating over 1.3 billion variables including:
• the last 5 sites you visited before coming to Google
• current air pressure, humidity and ozone content
• astrological configuration at the time of your visit
• speed and vectors of your mouse movement
• personal aura and brainwave activity

Using proprietary predictive search algorithms developed through 13 years of research by an international consortium of PhDs in the fields of artificial and pseudo-intelligence, parapsychology and improbability, MentalPlex is the only search engine that accurately returns results without requiring you enter a query. Google's CEO and co-founder Larry Page calls MentalPlex "a quantum leap in finding what you are looking for on the Internet. Typing in queries is so 1999."

2. What are the benefits of MentalPlex search?

• Easy-to-use: Users no longer need to think in Boolean query terms or use quotes, linear thinking or logic. With MentalPlex, you just project a mental picture of what you want to find.
• Acts like your psychologist: Don't know what you want? MentalPlex can help. Instead of projecting a specific image, open your mind and let MentalPlex poke around. The search results can be very revealing about your innermost self. (Caution: open searching is best performed behind closed doors.)
• Works in all languages: Since MentalPlex works from mental images instead of words, language is not a problem. If your right brain conjures a different image than your left brain, try using your dominant hemisphere for ideal performance.

3. Does MentalPlex search read minds?

Don't be ridiculous. Mind-reading is impossible. MentalPlex technology senses electronic field variations created by concentrated thought and can interpret those field variations as broad categories of content. Mind-reading? Really now. We're talking about science here.

4. How was MentalPlex search developed?

As with the Internet itself, MentalPlex began as a highly classified Dept. of Defense initiative under the direction of Al Gore. The Plex-Project was intended to predict the outcome of closely fought battles, saving countless lives and giving generals a leg up in college basketball pools.

In the early 1960s, Chaos Theory laid out the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in prognostication. In other words, even itsy-bitsy little insignificant things have the potential to have a major effect on the world at large. This was borne out through subsequent research in political science, economics, and popular culture.

In 1997, Google co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin postulated a "Unified Theory of Predictability" while attempting to calculate how long it would take to complete their doctoral work at Stanford University. The result of their work was MentalPlex, a search engine that evaluates 1.3 billion variables to predict with extremely high accuracy the nature of a user's query before it's expressed.

5. Is MentalPlex search dangerous?

MentalPlex is designed to be used as a substitute for most normal searching. In fact, MentalPlex is safer than traditional searching because it eliminates the need for typing, a leading cause of Carpal Tunnel syndrome. Some users unaccustomed to concentrated thought may experience side effects such as headaches, dizziness or flashes of brilliance. These will quickly pass.

6. How can I invest in MentalPlex search technology?

Google Inc., is a privately held company and is not seeking further investment at this time in MentalPlex technology. Google is however, seeking investment in our new software line, which can be found by clicking here.

7. Does MentalPlex violate my privacy?

While MentalPlex does have the potential of probing your deepest darkest secrets and desires, this information is only used in aggregate and rarely sold to advertisers unless they ask very, very nicely.

8. Who should use MentalPlex?

MentalPlex can be used by anyone on the Internet but this technology is especially useful for:
• infants, Luddites, chimpanzees and other primates who can't type
• people who know what they want but have problems expressing themselves clearly (e.g., shy persons, 14-year-old boys and actors accepting Academy Awards)

9. Who should NOT use MentalPlex?

MentalPlex works well for almost everyone. There are a few people who may experience some difficulties with MentalPlex until they become accustomed to the interface.
• skeptics, cynics and doubting Thomases will likely find their queries cannot pass through their internal defense mechanisms
• the imaginatively challenged. MentalPlex requires fully formed mental pictures to function most effectively. Those who are unable to visualize the object of their desire in detail may receive disappointing results

10. MentalPlex troubleshooting

Problem: MentalPlex keeps taking me to sites featuring rubber toys, nipples and diapering.
Answer: Your infant is too close to the monitor. If you have no children, you may want to consider counseling.

Problem: I am unable to visualize clicking and have to use my finger to activate the mouse.
Answer: Click visualization takes practice. Try pushing the mouse button with your eyebrow, then gradually increase the distance between your eye and the mouse.

Problem: I have a clear picture of what I want, but no results are returned.
Answer: The object you desire may not be found on the web. If you are looking for the current location of Atlantis, Amelia Earhardt or your car keys, MentalPlex may not be able to help you.

Note: This page was posted for April Fool's Day - 2000.